Cellular Heaven - Cellular Hell

"There's a sucker born every minute."
David Hannum, Banker & Horse trader

(Not P.T.Barnum!) 

The recent spectacle of genuflecting Steve Jobs worshippers lining up to be among the first to lay hands on the latest Cult-of-Apple icon - the 3G iPhone - reminded me that, for all its flaws (and they are numerous) this banana archipelago where I currently reside does, from time to time, in various areas, get it right.

I remember a few years back discussing the subject of cellular telephony with an old friend in Canada. He was bemoaning how, being the Luddite that he is, all he wanted was the most basic set available - something to send and receive calls and texts and in which to keep a modest phone book - but that the "system" was making it damned difficult.

His story is typical: He goes to a cellphone dealer. Tells the clerk what he wants. The clerk, a tad disappointed that he wasn't about to sell something that might surf the net while it does your laundry, showed him a modest array of modest devices. My friend inquired as to price…

"This one is only $129.00 when purchased with the Super-Wammy Gizmatorn package from Bell Canada, and this one only$180 with the Cosmotic Special Plan giving you 120 minutes of calls and 200 "free" text messages a month."

"But i Just want to buy a phone. I don't want to know about all that stuff."

"Oh. You can't do that."

Add to that almost universal scenario the outlandish prices charged for txt messages (One major US carrier just doubled their price from 10 cents to 20 cents per text - for no apparent reason other than that demand was skyrocketing and they could get away with it) and the fact that both the caller and the call receiver pay, and you have, in my view, a vision of cellular hell.

That oh-so-cool iPhone is going to end up likely costing you over $2000, my friend - even if you never make a single call on it. 

Now… how it works in this corner of the globe:

A couple of years ago I purchased a Sony Ericcson 810i (a lovely phone with no discernible objectionable characteristics that I've been able to find) at about $300.

Contract? No contract. Just: Here's your money. Here's your phone.

Of course I needed a SIM card. Got one…. about $1.00 including a "load" of about 30 txt messages.

Cell to cell calls cost about 20 cents a minute (only the caller pays). Not really cheap, but hardly outrageous. Text messages? 2 cents each, unless you avail of one of the zillion specials such as 50 cents for 24 hours of unlimited texting.

I also can use my phone as a modem for my laptop if need be on those days when I am being a bum on my friend's boat or laying about on the beach of one of the hundreds of tiny islands dotting the local Visayan seas (at a speed of about 128Kbps - adequate for checking email and surfing basic sites). The cost? 50 cents an hour.

Of course, I can also use my cellphone for all manner of finacial transaction such as bill paying and bank transfers etc. The costs vary, but never more than maybe a dollar.

And were my Canadian friend here? Well, he'd pick up a new Nokia or low-end Motorola for maybe $35.00 - or maybe $45 if he wanted an mp3 player, including a SIM card. If he was feeling particularly stingy, he could probably knock off about 50% for something refurbished.

I should point out too that, based on accounts I hear and read about widespread dropouts and unreliable signals throughout North America, that service here, though not perfect, is pretty damned good.

A word to all you western celphone users: You are idiots. Vote with your feet. Tell them to shove their phones and their unconscionable service contracts up their butts and pretty quickly you will discover what cellphones and service actually are worth.